Melancholy undertones

If I’m truly honest with myself, I have to admit that I struggle to just be happy. 

Having formed a life and a personality from pain, confusion, disappointment, and anxiety, happiness is still rather foreign to me. I find myself taking one day at a time, slowing myself down, consciously slowing my breathing and closing my eyes.

*

Merlot kissing my lips ever so softly, cool summer breeze tickling my ears.

My love curling his pinky finger around mine, squeezing it as we walk along the lake side promenade.

Driving too fast, sea spray in my eyes, riding the waves.

The slow burn of resfeber in my veins.

That exquisite pain of knowing that, as is my sorrow, so is my joy - fleeting.

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It is you, and it has always been you.

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Adrift… (but not alone).

I am back in Germany, after 3.5 months apart from my love. I’ve been here for just over a month, and I’m still struggling to settle in. The cold, the few hours of daylight, the greyness… it saps my energy. I’m starting to get homesick at times – I’m not used to living inland, and I desperately miss the sea. 

I’m still working, but I’m at the point where I sleep for around 12 hours a day, and I spend all my waking hours working very slowly, and only just making deadlines on time. There are many good things in my life. I have my wonderful Mr. CabSav; we travel quite regularly, cook together, make love often. But I feel I am adrift when it comes to my personal goals. I don’t really know what to do, or where to go. 

In some ways, Mr. CabSav and I are adrift together. We seem to be at the same place in our lives – able to go anywhere, anytime, yet not sure where to go with this freedom. We are limited by our own minds. We have ideas that we speak about, and we dream of carefree travels, exploring new places, new experiences. But we still have those little voices in the back of our heads, urging us to conform. To create a career, to settle down. But what if we are not meant for that? What if we were meant to wander, to drift, to explore? 

Mr. CabSav is not my anchor, he does not hold me down. Rather, we are intertwined, drifting together. 

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Utterly Impatient

It’s been almost 3 months away from Mr. CabSav this time round – almost 8 months apart altogether. I’m currently waiting for my visa for Germany, and it’s driving me mad. I have no idea when I’ll hear the verdict – anywhere between 6 weeks and 3 months.

Tonight I’m feeling especially frustrated.

I’ve missed his birthday, and our 2 year anniversary, Christmas, and now we’re spending New Year’s Eve apart too. I’d do anything to be with him – I’ve packed my suitcase, excepting the essentials that I’m living with. I’d get on a plane tonight if I could.

I crave his touch, his voice – clear and not distorted from a distance of 10 000 km – his body… I especially miss sex with him. I need that connection again, feeling him completely, and losing myself in him. I want to fall asleep in his arms, instead of clutching my pillow to my chest. I want to lie in bed and feel comforted by his steady breathing, and his occasional sleep-talking chuckles and unintelligible rambles. I want to be able to pull him close to me, to nuzzle his neck and feel his strong arms around my waist.

I miss cooking together, I miss our little daily adventures in a new city. I miss going wine-tasting and grocery shopping with him. Hell, I even miss doing laundry with him, drinking beer at the laundromat and talking about random stuff.

Seeing him on Skype is strikingly bitter sweet. I want to pull him out of the computer screen, and never let him go. When I’ve been depressed, which is most of the last 2.5 months, hearing his voice has often been my only solace. We’ve cried over Skype, had blazing rows, had cyber sex, spent hours chatting until one of us needs to sleep.

I want to put this long distance stage of our relationship behind us, and move on into 2014 with hopes of a better year.

A year of living together, travelling and exploring Europe and beyond. A year of learning about one another, and making the biggest decisions yet. A year of love, discovery, challenges, and triumphs. We’ve come so far since that fateful night in a club 2.5 years ago.

I sincerely hope that 2014 is a good year. If not, I’ll have to make it a good year. It’s time to take back my life.

Happy New Year.

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So far away, again.

Doing long distance the second time around is nothing short of soul-destroying.

When most of my life is confusing and challenging, Mr. CabSav is there for me. I am so lucky and so grateful to have a man like him – no matter how irrational or stupid my problems feel, he listens. He comforts me and talks to me as much as possible, considering the fact that we are almost 10 000 km (and one day) apart. No matter how hard it gets, no matter how much I lose hope, he’s there.

He’s the one constant in my life. All I want is to live with him. Wake up next to him, kiss him, feel his warmth next to me.

Instead, I sleep cuddling my pillow. I try to imagine him hugging me. I cry from loneliness and frustration and helplessness.

Even when the clouds lift and I enjoy myself, a part of me remains hollow, thinking – “He should be here with me, experiencing this“.  I feel sad about the things we couldn’t do together on our last visit to South Africa together. I feel angry that we have been forced to do this all again. The first five months broke me, and I was just starting to heal again.

I’m not sure how I will get though the next while, but I know I have to. My person is waiting for me.

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Crawling back out again

My mental health has been slowly deteriorating. Without Mr. CabSav with me, I feel lost. He is in Germany once again; I’m in Cape Town. I was too anxious to apply for a Masters program I was interested in. I get anxious when trying to make plans with friends. My home life is noisy and stressful. I don’t have much support. I don’t know when I’ll be back in Germany.

I don’t have all that much pleasure in my life at the moment – hence no posts recently. I’m trying to crawl back out of my dark hole of despair, but it’s difficult to even wake up before noon, and eat three meals a day.

Hopefully things will improve soon, so I can get back to my saucy stories and wine reviews ^_^

Right now I want cuddles, pugs, chocolate, sunshine, sushi, pink wine, and most of all… Mr. CabSav.

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Suspended.

Sleep exhausts me.

The inevitable slipping out of consciousness, and entering a realm of feeling. I am at the mercy of my dreams. I am not their master. I am a supplicant,  a character in the dreamworld inside my head. On the knife’s edge of waking, my brain conducts a symphony of firing neurons. Free will is but an illusion.

 

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